By Khadija kelly Lazaar

BismiLlah ir Rahman ir Rahim; May Allah bless me and guide me for what is about to be written and HamduLillah, May Allah accept my gratitude for being brought to the straight path of Islam.
 
 
 
The Muslim-American woman is unique just as each and every woman who, created by Allah, was made to be unique in her own special way. Whether being brought to Islam by Allah’s mercy guiding her heart, by fulfilling Allah’s plan of marrying into the faith or by having the good fortune to being born into the fold of Islam, the Muslim woman shares a wonderful thing: Allah’s blessing of being a woman. It is not easy to be a woman in any culture, nation or faith. However, with every great struggle my dear sisters there comes a great reward. In our world of Islam we are blessed to know that our reward, if we remain steadfast and thankful with sincere intentions and a pure heart, will be our Hereafter (our Jannah) that the Beneficent, the Merciful has promised and without a doubt will deliver! While waiting for the day when this insignificant, futile worldly life will end, a Muslim-American woman along with her Muslim born sisters will have to continue to struggle each day living among a society of non-believers that will continue out of fear of the unknown to try and challenge our fitra (innate nature of being creatures of God) but ultimately (InshAllah) will fail. In this article, I hope to share with you my journey into Islam and the struggles I have faced (minimal compared to the Mothers of the Believers) and finally the love that I carry for Allah, our Prophet (swas) and all of my Muslim sisters in the hopes that we never feel alone and we become more and more united for the sake of Allah!
 
SubhanAllah! I was brought gracefully by the will of Allah to this perfect religion of Islam on Eid day, 1418 A.H. (1/30/98). I was guided by a Pakistani sister whom I met in a college accounting class. During this first meeting although I never would have imagined the weight of blessings she was about to shed upon me, I knew it was special. This sister would be my destiny, my teacher, my blessing from Allah and ultimately my SISTER, my “baji” (an endearing word for sister in Urdu). The true blessing of becoming a Muslim was an instant feeling of peace and calm in my world of chaos and sorrow. 
 
When asked why I became a Muslim, I simply explain: “When I began reading an English translation of the Quran, it was as though Allah reached from the sky and placed His Hand around my heart bringing the comfort it had been seeking for years”. I truly felt that I had finally found my relationship with God directly and not through priests or nuns or pastors or evangelists as I had been led to believe growing up. At the time Allah brought me comfort and peace I would have no way of knowing that he was actually covering my heart with a veil of protection from all who would attempt to shake my new faith and challenge the beliefs that I held within my soul.
 
MashAllah! One of the first blessings I received would be learning of our beloved Prophet (swas) and the struggles he faced bringing the true word of God to us. His story would be and still remains a long motivating force in my life during times of hopelessness. Along with knowledge I would receive the strength and a sense of unity from my new sisters in Islam that would encourage me and continue to shower me with hope and with the love of Allah. This strength I would carry with me during the toughest times of my conversion, the first was revealing my new faith to my Catholic-American family. Then to my friends who were mostly Baptist Christians and who took the idea so personally it was as though I committed murder! During this time I learned quickly who my friends were and who my friends would remain to this day. Mutual respect and the agreement to disagree with patience goes along way with those Allah has placed in your life for a reason. Today after many years of waiting, mocking, attacking and finally surrendering to Allah’s will, my mother’s first words of “you’ll get over it”, as though it was the newest fad to hit this great nation, have become nothing more than dust swept under the rug! Although my mother remains stubborn about being too old to change her beliefs, I find hope in the fact that more and more she is joining our dialog of Assalam u Alaikum, Allah Hafiz, and InshAllah! I have even heard her trying to say Alhumdulillah! After the major hurtles were overcome there came little challenges in groups. The first of course, was learning my prayers. Learning a different language and memorizing sounds different from my mother tongue was one thing, but trying to read what seemed like symbols to me that I was told were letters that I had never experienced before and were to be read “backwards” in my thought, was something else. This was truly my test of faith. I felt overwhelmed, discouraged and at times hopeless. Wanting so badly to learn the words of God and desperately needing the knowledge that my heart was crying for. Finally thanks to the encouraging words of my “baji”, telling me that “these things are taught to a child who is just beginning to talk, you have 22 years to catch up! Be patient and Allah will guide you”, I was finally able to memorize Al-Fatihah. I would then have to learn more aspects of salat (prayer), such as, movements, rakats, sunnahs, fards, which came first and what did it all mean??? Many of these questions, simple and taken for granted by my Muslim born sisters, felt too big at the time to answer.
 
The biggest at the time, however, was the infamous prayer scarf. Slightly different from the veil/hijab (depending the region you are in) which is worn on a daily basis to go out in public with and was a great challenge to me in it’s own right and one that we will get to later. The Pakistani Prayer scarf was the king or should I say Queen of challenges! Learning to wrap my prayer scarf which in theory seemed simple enough was like an episode from a comedy sitcom! What resembled a flat bed sheet to me was really made to wrap around my head and drape the length of my body, covering my hair and to allow me to move freely to perform all acts of prayer! Simple? Right? It was like fighting with angry laundry and having the laundry win, with you somehow ending up feeling as though you were the one hanging from the clothes line! Anyway, as they say…. “Practice makes perfect”, and after several days of frustration, yet another stepping stone behind me! 
 
The newest challenge would be grasping the knowledge that there existed four (4) schools of thought in Islam. Although they are all similar in teachings, there are also sharp differences. For a born Muslim this fact is relatively easy as they follow the school of their region or their forefathers. However, to a convert it can feel quite complicated. Upon entering Islam I was brought in through the Hanafi School and thus learned all of my actions and habits in this form. Now marrying someone who follows the Maliki School, I find myself torn as to which path to follow although I have been told that there is no harm in following either one. I find this a blessing and a challenge. A blessing of course because it challenges the convert to seek more knowledge and choose which teachings are more palatable to one’s spirit, versus a born Muslim who usually follows whichever is followed by their parents. In the latter case the motivation for more knowledge in this area seems irrelevant. It becomes a challenge however when you feel conflicted in your dedication to one school over the other. In my experience it is a matter of blending my teachings and following certain things depending on which environment I am apart of. 
 
The biggest and last challenge thus far would not only challenge me physically but emotionally and mentally as well. It would take me many years to finally make the leap of wearing my hijab. At first I believed that it was a choice, a choice that I didn’t feel, sincerely, I was ready to make. I am a person of sincere intention. If I do not sincerely have the intention in my heart it makes no sense to me to do something that is not felt in your heart primarily. Allah knows your heart and in my opinion, how can the action please Allah if he knows that you’re doing it simply as a common act and not a meaningful heartfelt act of worship to Him? After several trials and attempts to wear my veil full time, I failed and gave up for many years. Part of me ached to do the right thing but refused to submit to pressure that I didn’t feel ready for. Then I met my husband (who will be the last subject of this blessed article). I made a promise to him that once I became his wife; there would be no more back and forth, but that I would put it on full-time. This, although I knew would be a blessing was the greatest test of the love I felt for this man. Prior to making the decision I would deeply evaluate my strength and search my heart. Remembering the past, I knew this would be the biggest test to my faith in Allah. I prayed that He would give me the strength, the patience and the courage to overcome! I grew up in a small town in the south that not only was not accepting of other races or cultures but out of their fear of the unknown was not exactly friendly to other religions either. I experienced the community that I was raised in go from friendly, helpful people when I was without my veil, to cold, rude and at times cruel individuals the moment I covered my head.
 
. The reaction was shocking and their behavior deplorable until they recognized me and then they proceeded as though ignoring that they had just stepped on a fellow human beings heart. It took a long time of going back and forth until I finally fulfilled a promise to my husband and put it on permanently the day of my marriage without taking it off. At first physically I was uncomfortable. What seemed to be so easy to other Muslim woman seemed impossible and unbearable to me. No matter how I tried I never seemed to be able to wear it correctly without it slipping or feeling too tight, I then just accepted that things take time to get used to and with all good things after a while it becomes second nature. Secondly was my emotionality. I was angry. I was angry and felt disloyal to myself as though I were a hypocrite. I had always been steadfast in not doing what I did not feel in my heart and now because I had made a promise to my husband, I had no choice but to follow through because anyone who knows me, knows that my word is truly my bond and regardless of shaitan’s whispers, my integrity would prefer surrendering my life rather than to break a promise. Finally, mentally it chipped away at my belief in human weakness. I had always tried to give the benefit of the doubt to anyone, because I believe that everyone deserves a chance and that everyone makes mistakes, it is how you handle them that matter. There are people in this world that given the chance and who given just an ounce of faith, would have been capable of amazing feats, but instead beat down by human weakness, allow the devil (shaitan) to overtake their minds and spirits and become lost to their own detriment. Mentally, it was a struggle to overcome the harsh looks and the ignorant comments and actions of those I had lived among, not to mention the hurtful words from my own family. The stereotypical behavior that I had dismissed so easily before became a stark reality that burned my senses and broke my heart. After a long uphill climb, one day it occurred to me…… my veil didn’t mean that I needed to feel shunned or inadequate and definitely not insulted, but my veil, my hijab was a symbol. It was a symbol of strength, of unity and of pride. The strength of what a woman was made of and meant for. A bond like no other that brings unity among Muslim Sisters. The pride represented in being a Muslim woman. And so victoriously and thanks to Allah my heart has now joined the intention of my promise and to the delight of my husband it is no longer a bitter subject!
 
And finally the last subject of this blessed journey. Joy. My joy. My biggest gift and of many blessings, the best blessing I have received yet from Allah, My husband. During the course of our years here on earth, I believe that Allah brings people to your life for a reason, a season and a purpose. My husband is all of those things but much more. The reason was to have a strong example and guide to keep me following the straight path. The season was his strength and endurance in carrying me in the fight against my greatest fears and weaknesses to help me in becoming a better Muslim. The purpose was to walk beside me and bring me eternally to my Hereafter with him where InshAllah we will be able to remain together for eternity. In the joy I receive of sharing my life with this man that Allah has sent as my protector, my teacher, my confident and as my friend, who in the presence of his fitra, I find knowledge, patience, guidance and most importantly the love of Allah and the love of our Prophet (swas). Thanks to Allah I am truly blessed. 
 
In conclusion, after many years of studying, learning and practicing, I find that I remain a novice. However, I am truly at peace with that because as my husband put it so eloquently though I paraphrase: “As long as I continue to seek knowledge from those who surround me and I continue to remain humble in learning from others, InshAllah I will receive blessings from Allah and continue working towards the attainment of a pure heart. That will be the definition of success in pleasing Allah”. I can’t imagine it being
explained better any other way! Do you see why he is my JOY?
 
 
May Allah be pleased with my words and my heart and continue to guide me and bless those I love and all of my fellow Muslim sisters …. And brothers!!
 
AMEN